The Elderly Irish Virgin!
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
'RETURNED  UNOPENED'

ATTITUDE

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'
So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'
So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that she had only one hair on her head.
'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'
So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
'YAY!' she exclaimed.
'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

Attitude is everything.
Be kinder than necessary,
For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,

Love generously,

Care deeply,

Speak kindly.......

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain.

RED HATTERS

- Eat dessert first.

- Aspire to laugh much and grow old playfully.

- Are proof that there is life after wrinkles.

- Embrace the freedom age brings.

- Live the second half of life outrageously.

A LADY IS PASSING BY

We are all standing along her path
As this Lady takes her last journey
Sisters all dressed in purple and red
She will be passing my way soon
I can feel her spirit in the morning breeze
I am blessed that I came to know her
Before this Red Hat Sister passed by me.
The words of an old hymn comfort me
’’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home
In grace a Red Hat Sister is passing by.
As she passes we tip our red hats in respect
And our hearts crying shed tears of love
We stand in awe - she is one of our own.
Our Red Hat sister is passing by.
The Red Hat Society bought us together.
Laughter & Tears made us sisters.

by Lady Sara, FQM, Yellow Roses of Texas

Women under fifty must wear a pink hat and lavender attire until

THE BIRTHDAY.

This adds an element of fun to ageing, which we think is invaluable to women in our society who have learned to dread ageing and avoid it at all costs.

We believe aging should be something anticipated with excitement, not something to dread.

Statement of Purpose:

Eat dessert first.

Aspire to laugh much and grow old playfully.

We are proof that there is life after wrinkles.

Embrace the freedom age brings.

Practice being audacious older women.

Red Hatting is not for the faint of heart.

Feel challenged to live the second half of life outrageously.

God Bless Elderly Ladies!

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

_____________________________________________________

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

___________________________________________________

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

____________________________________________________

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.

Both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

As they did the stoplight was red but they just went onthrough.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went through red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit..! Am I driving..?"

____________________________________________________

CHOCOLATE QUOTE OF THE WEEK
DIET TIP
Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It will take the edge off you appetite and you will eat less!

THE STORY OF PURPLE

Purple is the color of riches and royalty. This color gives you a spiritual feeling, but the most beautiful attire is a smile.
Purple means mystery and intrigue. It means quick wit, creative thinking.


THE STORY OF RED

Red is the color of fire, the color of blood, the color of life. Red is the color of passion and love. A zest for life. A craving for excess. It is no myth that red is exciting. Just looking at red will increase the blood pressure, stimulate adrenaline and speed up the pulse and give you energy. Red is found in every language known to humankind.

 WHY GOD MADE MUMS

 Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger  parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything

nice in the world and one dab of mean.

 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly   use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?

1. We're related.

2.God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum?

1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be  pretty  bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get  drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your Dad?

 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.

 2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

 3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

 Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an  idiot.

 2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under  the bed.

3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Mums & Dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power

'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

 4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't have spare time.

 2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

 What would it take to make your Mum perfect?

 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of  plastic surgery.

 2. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

 If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?

 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get  rid of that.

 2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister 

who did it and not me.

 3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

I know Colonoscopies are no joke, but this really is worth reading so get a cuppa and sit back, you will giggle to till your sides hurt. Those who have had a colonoscopy will relate to this and will get a laugh also.

A Colonoscopy Journal:

  I called my friend Andy, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  

  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through   Minneapolis  .  

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.  

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my   preparation.  

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically   water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre   plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'  

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:  have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep  spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

           And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

AAADD - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!  

Recently, I was diagnosed with

 A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder .

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the hall table,

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

Put the junk mail in the waste bin under the table,

And notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think,

Since I'm going to be near the post box

When I take out the rubbish anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,

And see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,

So I go to my desk where I find the cup of tea I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques,

But first I need to push the tea aside, so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The tea is getting cold, so I decide to put it in the kitchen to wash up.

As I head toward the kitchen with the tea,

A vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye -- they need water.

I put the tea on the worktop and

Discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I'd better put them back on my desk,

But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the worktop,

Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

So I decide to put it back in the sitting room where it belongs,

But first I'll water the flowers .

I go to pour some water in the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor;

So, I set the remote back on the table,

Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of tea sitting on the worktop

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

And I'll try to get some help for it,

But first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!